When You Feel Like You’re Failing at Everything: A Journey Toward Margin

“I’m failing them all.”  That was the first thought to enter my mind one night as tears streamed down my face while I sat down to nurse my screaming baby to sleep.  I could hear my two older children down the hall, fighting with each other and crying for me as my husband was trying to get them ready for bed.  My husband had been home from work for a short hour and a half, which was just enough time to scarf down a quick dinner together while tending to the various needs of our three children who were ages three and under at the time.  I was exhausted from a day of diapers, laundry, feedings, attempts at naptime, refereeing, figuring out what to make for dinner, trying to maintain some element of tidiness around our home, etc.  Forget self-care.  Forget intentional parenting.  Forget having meaningful dinnertime conversation with my husband and children.  Forget making time for activities I enjoyed or time for spending with friends.  Forget planning for the future, both short-term and long-term.  I was in straight-up survival mode.  I love my family more than words can adequately express, but I felt completely overwhelmed and unsuccessful in pretty much every area of life.

At home, I felt like I was stretched too thin.  There were four people who needed something from me and I could not adequately meet everyone’s needs.  So, everyone got the bare minimum.  I consistently beat myself up over it, too.  “I expect too much of my oldest, simply because she’s the only one who can do much at all for herself” or “my poor second child is left out.  The oldest can help herself and I’m constantly tending to the baby, so the middle one is just left out” or “This poor baby doesn’t get any quality time with me, because I just tote him around while I take care of the two older kids.”

Professionally, I felt like I was not investing as much as I would like to in my career.  I no longer had the ability to just go to any professional development activity that I thought would be interesting or that I thought would improve my practice.  When my first child was born, I had “taken a break” from a graduate program that I had completed the majority of, only to never have the opportunity to go back.  The time, energy, effort, and money I’d invested in that now seemed to be a waste.  Because finding childcare for three kids three and under is neither easy nor cheap, I had cut back my work hours and commitments significantly. Realistically, that was the best choice for our family, and one that I am grateful to have been able to make.  However, it still left me feeling like I was not really succeeding in that arena, either.

Personally, I felt like I had no outlet for my own passions and interests.  It had been years since I’d taken a real vacation.  Having a baby who despised bottles and wanted to breastfeed nearly constantly and would only sleep if attached to me meant that it had been months since I’d had a date night with my husband.  It wasn’t a priority to make time for myself, and I wasn’t making time with friends a priority, either.  I desperately wanted to exercise regularly, because I know I feel better when I do, and because I wanted to fit into something other than maternity clothes, but it was nearly impossible.  Many days, I simply wore my baby in a wrap so that I could do some basic low-impact aerobics because that’s all I could manage.  I was also exhausted.  My baby woke up multiple times every night and would only sleep if he was against me.  While it was never my plan to co-sleep, it was the only way that either of us was going to get any sleep at all, so co-sleep we did.  But getting fragmented sleep for months at a time is exhausting.  I felt like I just kept trying to do more, but found myself getting more frustrated.

In short, I felt like I was drowning.  I felt like I was failing at every aspect of life.  It wasn’t necessarily that I was busier than ever before, because I have a history of being too busy.  But I definitely felt more inadequate at the things that were keeping me busy.  As a recovering Type A Perfectionist, I was disappointed in myself for not being able to do it all.  Why couldn’t I keep my house in order?  Why couldn’t I manage to spend quality one-on-one time with each child?  Why couldn’t I get all of us out of the house in a timely manner (or at all)?  Why couldn’t I just find a time to have a date night with my husband?  Why did God entrust these little people to me if he knew I was going to fail so miserably? Why did he give me a desire to be a mother if I wasn’t going to be any good at it?

I found myself comparing myself to other moms.  “She has more kids than me but still seems to have it all together” or “How do they manage to have date nights a couple of times each week?” or “Wow, her home is so beautiful.  Mine looks like a disaster zone” or “How does she manage to finish grad school even though she is working full-time and has kids at home?” and any other number of things.  It just made me feel worse.  I just kept looking at my situation and thinking, “I just have to do more.  I just have to wake up earlier.  I just have to try harder to keep the house clean.  I just need to provide better activities for my kids.  I just need to work more hours.  I just need to make more money.  I just need to exercise more.  I just need to {fill in the blank}.”

But that night in the dark, while nursing my baby, I felt God whisper, “You are enough. My grace is sufficient for you.”  And I chose to believe it.  I chose to believe that the God of the universe knew what he was doing when he chose me to be the mother of these little ones.  When he chose me to take care of the sick.  When he chose me to minister to mothers who are ushering new life into the world.  And although I often feel very inadequate and very weak, I know that He will provide the strength and wisdom I need to do all of those things as well as I possibly can.  The shift in mindset helped me to realign my ideals, from a “need to do more” to a “need to do less” mentality.

“Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT

Can you relate? Do you ever feel completely overwhelmed?  Maxed out to full capacity?  Like you’re just a hamster in the wheel of life?  Do you ever feel the tug and pull of the things that matter most to you, but simply don’t have the time or energy to devote to them?

The truth of the matter is,  it is SO easy to simply fall into the trap of the rat race, the comparison game, and survival mode.  It usually happens without us really knowing.  Most of us certainly aren’t trying to be overworked, overcommitted, and stressed out.  But it happens.  Usually it’s the result of a series of smaller decisions that were made over time.  Sometimes it’s the result of decisions that were out of our control that others made for us.  Sometimes it’s just the natural inertia of our society that constantly pulls on us.  So what can we do about it?

Margin.  We all need it, but few of us have it.  What exactly do I mean by margin?  We all know  that the words or lines on the page are bordered by white space.  This intentional blank space serves as a boundary and provides some degree of organization to the text.  Most of the time, we don’t even really pay attention to it, but I guarantee that you would notice if it weren’t there.  You see, it makes the document more visually appealing, less overwhelming, and makes it much easier for our brains to process information when the white space is there.

Margin in our lives can do the same thing–having some “white space” can make things less overwhelming, more appealing, and makes it easier for us to process things.

Here’s the thing: We are enough.  I realize that’s not always easy to believe.  I still have to regularly remind myself to internalize that truth.  Our society is quite adept at expertly bombarding us with the message that we are not enough and that we need to do more, be more, have more.  But you know what?  Sometimes the answer to our stress is not “more.”  Sometimes, the answer is “less.”  Instead of trying to cram as many words as possible onto our page, we need to honor the boundary and keep or create the blank space.  We may need to alter our expectations.  This was critical in my case.  I had to acknowledge that my expectations were not realistic for my current life season.  We need to simplify.  We need to give ourselves permission to quit striving for unattainable ideals.  We need to create some white space in our lives.  We need to combat the overwhelm with margin.  That looks different for everyone.  For some people, eliminating financial stress by paying off debt and using a budget might provide some much-needed financial margin.  For others, maybe getting rid of excess “stuff” so we have less to clean, less to worry about, less to maintain could provide some margin in our home.  Maybe we need to simplify our mealtime routines so that we can enjoy breaking bread around the table with those we love, rather than experiencing a daily 5pm-freakout. For others, maybe scaling back on our commitments could create some life margin.  This might include scheduling time for meeting up with a friend, going to dinner with your spouse, trying a new fitness class, reading a book, taking a trip, or even spending some time cultivating goals and a vision for your future.  All of these areas help us to break out of survival mode and begin living with intention.  And I know that there are certainly seasons of life that are more difficult than others, times when we need to give ourselves grace and simply do the best we can.  That’s where I am.  I am making margin a priority for this current season, which looks different than margin in the previous season, and I’m sure it is different than what margin will look like in the next season.  And that’s ok.  Don’t compare yourself to others.  We all have different needs, different strengths, different situations, different interests.  Find what works for you and your family and take a step in that direction.  Here’s to creating some white space!

How do you try to incorporate more margin in your life?  I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!